Bitter Pills Read online

  My eyes grew heavy as I breathed in the stench of burning pizza from the restaurant below my building. Shouting drunks on the street below lulled me into a deep sleep. I refused to think it was the comfort of Alessandro's presence; I stopped loving unattainable men the day Nix disappeared.

  I woke up with the taste of cottoned wine on my tongue and sweat dripping down my back. My satin sheets clung to my skin, and the oscillating fan I usually slept with was turned off.

  I wasn't sure how I got here. The last thing I remembered was falling asleep beside Alessandro on my patio, but I guess he left hours ago. Even his scent was gone. I inhaled, expecting that permeating scent of chocolate to fill my nose, but it wasn't there. I wasn't sure how he always smelled like the sugary treat, considering I'd never seen him actually eat it.

  I showered quickly and wrapped my body up in a fluffy towel before making my way over to my sliding patio door so I could peer across the street. I wanted to see if Alessandro's threats were true. He hadn't closed his blinds since the day he moved in. I wasn't sure why I was sad that he might actually do it.

  He didn't. Instead, he mirrored me. Standing at his window with his cruel eyes boring into mine. He was adjusting his tie and gnashing his teeth. I dropped my towel, daring him to find me attractive. I knew he wouldn't. I'd only seen Alessandro with men. Hell, we were in love with the same man. It's what bonded us.

  His eyes didn't widen with lust. His hands didn't stall from tightening his tie. He didn't freeze. He didn't do anything. Alessandro reached up and closed the blinds. I guess he didn't mind if I watched him, but he didn't want to see me.

  "How was your night of voyeurism?" Sunshine asked while picking the pineapple off her pizza and snacking on it. Her dark hair was braided down her back, and her neck was peppered with hickeys. The bruise right above her lip looked painful and satisfying. My sister-in-law was probably my only friend in this city. It wasn't like I was purposefully closing myself off to the world, it just sort of happened that way.

  "He caught me," I replied with a shrug before diving into my cheesecake. I decided to skip the main course and go straight to dessert.

  Sunshine's brows shot up in surprise. "He caught you? What did he do?"

  I took a bite and let the flavor settle on my tongue before responding. "He came over. He talked to me for a minute, then I fell asleep. Woke up alone in my bed."

  She smiled to herself. "The two of you are going to combust."

  I shook my head. "Alessandro isn’t attracted to me. I've only seen him bring men home. I don’t think he’s been with a woman since Santobello killed his girlfriend. He very obviously has a preference, and that doesn’t include me."

  Sunshine’s brows raised at my comment. "Tension doesn't always have to build into sex. You've been dancing around the idea of friendship since...since he left," she murmured. I knew it was difficult for her to talk about Phoenix. They were best friends. Soulmates. I guess in some ways, she wanted Alessandro and me to have that same relationship.

  "Just because we both fucked the same dude doesn't mean we're going to be best friends, Sunshine."

  She crossed her arms over her chest. "Don't disrespect Nix like that. You both loved the same man. Probably still do. The only difference between the two of you is that Alessandro is fucking his way through his grief, and you haven't touched a dick in God knows how long. Three years? Five?"

  "Three years? It's already been that long?" I asked. I had a habit of pretending time wasn't passing. Pretending I wasn't a broken girl clinging to someone who wasn't coming back.

  "I still feel him watching me, you know," Sunshine whispered. "I'll catch myself staring at my computer's webcam, and it's like I know he's there. Or something will happen. A glitch. He's out there, Grace."

  "Well, then why the hell hasn't he come home?" I growled. I didn't like thinking that Nix chose this. Sunshine let out a slow exhale and leaned forward.

  "What if he didn't have a choice? What if he got involved in something he couldn't escape? When shit went down with Santobello and that vigilante group resurfaced, he wasn’t the same. He was scared of something. He left to protect us; I just know it."

  I didn’t want to hear this again. I loved Sunshine, but this conversation never went anywhere. Nix was always gone. We were always left missing him and wondering what happened. Chills traveled up my spine, and I tried not to let my nerves get the best of me. "Or maybe he's somewhere getting a blow job from a cabana boy. We'll never know."

  "Blaise might have a lead," Sunshine insisted. Out of all of us, she clung to hope the most. Perhaps she was disillusioned by her own happy ending. Just because she reconnected with my brother after five years of pining doesn't mean I'll get the same.

  "He always has a lead. They all do. The Bullets would do anything to make you happy. They know how much you miss Nix, so they like to give you hope."

  "You obviously don't know your brother at all," she mused. "Gavriel Moretti doesn't do false hope. None of them do. They don't tell me shit to placate me. If Blaise says he has a lead, he has a lead. I know he was going to talk to Alessandro about it."

  I felt my skin grow hot. "Why wouldn't he talk to me?"

  Sunshine gave me a look laced with annoyance. "Do you honestly think your brother will let you go chasing Nix down? Why do you think I invited you to lunch?"

  I didn't understand. "So wait. You know where Nix is?"

  "Yes. And Alessandro is going to drag him back kicking and screaming. But I don't think brute force is going to bring my best friend back. Gavriel kept going back and forth about letting you come and decided last night not to tell you. I decided that was a bunch of bullshit." Sunshine started digging through her purse and handed me a sealed envelope. "I stole this from your brother's office."

  "You know he hates that," I replied while taking the envelope.

  "I happen to love his punishments," Sunshine joked with a wink. "Those are the details. Alessandro is getting on a plane tonight. I want you to go with him."

  "Why?" I wasn't complaining. I had every intention of doing whatever it took to get to Nix. Even if this didn't lead to being with Nix again, I needed closure. I couldn't move on until I saw him again. Or at least learned what happened. A little part of me was barely keeping still. I wanted to rip the paper from Sunshine’s hand, chase him down, and make him mine again. There was a lot of resentment built up in my soul over the years, but the longing was still the same. Even if he didn’t love me back, I wanted to try.

  "Because I saw how much Nix loved you. That doesn't just go away because a few years passed. I want to give us the best possible chance of bringing Nix home, and I know the only way he will come back is if he sees you. I don't know how to explain it. I just know he's scared about something. I want to help him. And I would go, but..." Sunshine’s face was stone cold. She chewed on her lip while averting her eyes. I stared at her in confusion.

  "But what?" I asked.

  "Two reasons. And if you tell your brother before I have a chance to, I will slit your throat."

  I swallowed. Sunshine had definitely been spending too much time with my mobster family. "Gavriel and I barely talk. I don’t plan on starting now." My strained relationship with my brother was an entirely different issue.

  "For starters, I think I might be the reason he left." Sunshine's eyes filled with pain. "I don't know why, but I just have a feeling he's trying to protect me somehow."

  "Well, send me to the lions’ den. Gee, thanks," I mumbled.

  "That's not what I mean." Sunshine looked up at the ceiling, then back at me before continuing. "It's easy for Nix to be the hero when it comes to a friend. But when you love someone? You'll move heaven and earth to make it work."

  My heart ached. My skin buzzed. I wanted to rip open the envelope and figure out where Nix was. "I'll go. You won't tell my brother, right? You know how intense he can be. He takes protectiveness to an obsessive level."

  "Well, that brings me to the second reason I'm not goi
ng with you," Sunshine replied before taking a large gulp of her water. She swallowed and inhaled deeply before continuing. "I'm pregnant."

  My eyebrows shot up in shock. Pregnant? Holy shit. "Congratulations?" I offered. Sunshine and I had spoken many times about having a family. She didn't want kids. She absolutely abhorred the thought of bringing someone into the world.

  "Did you know IUDs can fall out? ’Cause I sure as fuck didn’t. I'm terrified. I’m still in school. Everything is perfect for me right now, and I’m terrified to fuck that up. In fact, I have to go to the enrollment office to get one of my classes figured out this afternoon. And how is it going to work? What am I going to do?" She rubbed her temples. "I need Nix here. He was supposed to be the cool uncle."

  I could relate to her panic. I'd had my fair share of pregnancy scares back before I accidentally took a vow of celibacy. "You don't have to do this," I offered. "You know my brother and the rest of the Bullets will support and love you no matter what. And they'll love this baby, too."

  "I want the baby," she choked out, but I didn't believe her. "I just am worried about the logistics. How do you even change a diaper? I don't want to breastfeed. Who is going to watch it while I’m studying? What about Gavriel’s enemies? I already have to have a security detail. Raising a Moretti heir is a death sentence. I don’t want that for my kid. What if I'm a bad mom? What if I don't know how to—"

  "Sunshine," I interjected. "You are the most nurturing woman I know. You are smart. Fun. Capable. Loving. You have the love of four strong men, and I'm close by. Being an aunt will be lots of fun. I'm here for you. We are all here for you. And pretty soon, Nix will be here too. You're not going to have to do this alone."

  "I know. I just...I didn't have the best examples of parents."

  "Then you already know what not to do. That's half the battle, right?" I offered.

  "You're right," she whispered while shaking her head. "Either way, I'll tell the guys tonight, so it'll give you a head start. They’ll want to smother me with reassurance and freak out with me. All you have to do is get past Alessandro."

  I cringed.

  "Easy enough," I lied.

  Chapter Two

  Alessandro

  Ultimatums were such a fickle thing. You could tell a lot about a man based on the way he kept his word. Five years ago, I promised myself I'd find Nix Bailey. It wasn't some failed diet you could pick back up again or a mantra I whispered to myself to help the reflection in the mirror cope with love lost. I kept to my word on the hard days. I looked for him on the easy days.

  Gavriel's private plane waited for me as the limo pulled up. I had a duffel bag of gear and zero expectations. I made plans to be gone for just forty-eight hours. I couldn't stand to be away from Grace for too long.

  A real man sticks to his guns and does what is right. That's the thing about ultimatums. Even when they hurt. Even when they go against every cell in your body. And watching over Grace had become one promise I couldn’t shake.

  I ascended the stairs leading to the plane and removed my sunglasses. I had plans to go over the lead Gavriel's men compiled during the five-hour flight. I wasn't convinced there was enough evidence to warrant a flight to Mexico City, but grasping at straws had become a habit of mine. I spent countless hours checking the internet for traces of him only to come up empty. This was the first time I felt like we had something solid. I didn’t want to waste a single second.

  I handed my bag to the flight attendant and twisted to face the main cabin, stopping when I saw a flash of red hair, long legs, and a smirk.

  "Grace. What are you doing here?" I asked in an even voice. I wasn’t surprised that she was here. She had lunch with Sunshine earlier, and they probably conspired while I gathered intel. It didn’t matter if she knew or not. I wasn’t bringing her with me to Mexico. All signs in Nix's disappearance pointed to something sinister, and there was no way in hell I'd be risking her for that.

  "Sunshine told me about Nix. I'm coming with you."

  I gritted my teeth and pulled out my phone to call Gavriel. I held the phone up to my ear, listening to it ring until I was sent to voicemail.

  "You're not coming with me," I replied before shoving my phone back in my pocket.

  "Yes," Grace began. "I am."

  I guess I'd have to carry her ass off the plane then. She needed a spanking, too. I rolled my neck and stalked closer to her. Grace was a determined firecracker. She had no sense of self-preservation. Gavriel once told me that he found her stripping at the age of fifteen. Fucking fifteen! She didn’t consider the danger of a situation. I couldn’t decide if she was fearless, naive, ignorant, or the bravest person I’d ever met. "You're not coming. End of story."

  She swiftly nodded at the perky flight attendant, and I turned around just as the door was locked. "Sunshine called ahead and gave strict instructions to seal the door the moment both of us were on the plane. You might be important to Gavriel's operations now, but Mrs. Moretti calls the shots.”

  I groaned. Grace was seriously a pain in the ass. "This isn't a game," I growled while sitting across from her and buckling my seat. "You're only going to slow me down."

  She rolled her eyes. "I'm more than capable of handling my shit, Alessandro. I can't believe you were actually going to go without me. It's Nix. Nix! You were just going to fly to Mexico and not tell me?”

  I rubbed my temples while the flight attendant brought a tray of champagne around. Grace grabbed both flutes and downed them. "I didn't want to get your hopes up. I also don’t need you interfering. I don't know what we are walking into, and quite frankly you are an impulsive problem I don't want to have to worry about. You're being selfish."

  She looked incredulous, blinking a couple of times as if she were processing my words. "I'm being selfish? You just want to keep Nix to yourself," she yelled. The flight attendant looked like she wanted to be anywhere but here.

  Grace wasn't wrong. Of course I wanted to keep him to myself. It's why we broke up all those years ago. I wanted Nix, and he wanted to fuck his way through the world. He wasn't monogamous in the slightest, and I was too insecure to handle knowing I'd never have his entire heart.

  I couldn't help but chuckle at Grace's outburst though. Didn't she know? Time might have passed and the Nix we knew might not be the same Nix we're about to find, but he would pick her. Grace Moretti was the first person to ever be enough to hold Nix's attention. And that was something I didn't know how to process. "We've been through so much, Alessandro. Let me see this through with you. We both know it'll take an army to get Nix back."

  "Last time we spoke, you thought he was dead," I replied. "Funny how you turn to hope when it suits you." I pulled out my folder of notes and stared at the aerial view of the building Phoenix was supposedly staying in. It looked fairly easy to get into and was in a nicer part of the city. I wondered how he was able to afford it.

  "I don't think it's fair of you to accuse me of processing things differently than you. Just because my hope falters doesn't mean my love for him does."

  Her words were like a knife straight through my heart. Tension coiled up within me like white hot barbs suffocating me with their painful sting. I hated this. I didn't want this for either of us. Grace loved Nix. It was a complicated situation. I didn’t want to feel jealous still—it had been five fucking years. But I didn’t like her little declaration. It just meant that I was already losing him. I wished she would have stopped loving him. It would make everything so much easier.

  I looked at Grace. I mean really looked at her. I took in the fiery hair framing her face and the tight jeans clinging to her thighs. In typical Moretti fashion, she wore designer clothes from head to toe, and her heels were liable to break her neck in a chase. She clutched a Gucci purse at her side and was fiddling with a Tiffany bracelet clasped to her bone thin wrist.

  "Just don't get in my way, Moretti," I replied with a frown. "I'm bringing Nix back. And if I have to choose between you and him, I'm choosing him."
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  She frowned. This dance between us was the ultimate ultimatum. I'd never choose her. These last five years, I felt an obligation toward her but also struggled to share Nix’s memory with her. We were two people craving the same soul. And at the end of the day, I'd never love her the same way I loved him. And I was a man that refused to share.

  "I'd expect nothing less of you," she whispered before digging through her purse and pulling out a book. She cracked it open—some textbook about gemstones. She was going to school for geology. I had no idea what she would do with that degree in a city like New York, but I didn't really care.

  "Glad we are on the same page," I added, though she had already settled into ignoring me and studying. I observed her openly, like I always did. She was stone, steel, hardened resolve in a beautiful package. I might not have been attracted to her, but I respected the beautiful depths of her gaze and the honesty of her heart. We never danced around the truth. We breathed it throughout the entirety of our suffering.

  I opened and closed my mouth, thinking of something else to say. We sat in silence for the duration of our flight.

  Chapter Three

  Nix

  I always drank coffee when I watched her. Sunshine. I felt closer to her that way. Sipping on her sugary drug of choice while watching the computer monitors from my apartment was my only reprieve.

  I fucking missed my best friend.

  I missed pancakes at midnight. Binge watching trashy television. Cuddles on the couch. Bubble baths. Foot massages after work. I missed talking about life and having someone that knew everything there was to know about my life. I missed my fucking soulmate.

  I’d been following security footage for years, making sure those asshole boyfriends of hers took care of her. Okay. They weren’t assholes. I actually kind of liked them. Especially Blaise. She wasn’t allowed to have favorites in her little harem, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t. Blaise was my friend, too. All of them were. I didn’t miss them as much, but I was invested. I wanted what they had: I wanted the freedom to live my life.