Bastards and Scapegoats Page 13

  “Did I say something wrong?” Jared asked, his eyes wide. I couldn’t tell if it was shock or amusement.

  “No. She just doesn’t like people in general,” I replied with a forced laugh. “You’re lucky she didn’t start interrogating you.”

  “Sounds like my kind of woman.”

  I took a sip of my drink, happy to enjoy something nonalcoholic. I’d never been out with Jared before and wasn’t sure what to expect. Was he a party hard frat boy? He was driven and smart, but I still wanted to be safe. “We can go sit with your friends if you’d like?” I offered while looking over my shoulder. The table of frat boys were now doing shots and getting a bit rowdy. I had zero desire to sit with them, but I didn’t want to be rude.

  “And risk one of them wooing you? Absolutely not,” Jared teased, though his lighthearted tone seemed forced. “I brought you out tonight because I wanted to spend time with you.”

  I tipped my head back and laughed. “You’ve spent time with me all week! You practically live at my apartment. I’m going to start making you pay for groceries if I’m going to be cooking for us every night.”

  “I’ll happily pay for groceries if it means getting to have dinner and Netflix with you every night.”

  I rolled my eyes. “See? We spent all week together.”

  “Yeah, but not on a date.”

  “Oh, so this is a date?” I asked, brows raised as I looked at Jared. He was handsome, in a classic boy-next-door sort of way. He could probably have anyone he wanted. He came from a good family. His father was a businessman and dabbled in politics. His mother ran one of the largest nonprofits in the world.

  He reached out and placed his hand on my thigh. A shiver traveled up my spine. Maybe…

  “I would have taken you somewhere nicer, but I had a feeling you would have freaked out and bailed on me. I know you have a hang up for your…” He leaned forward and dropped his voice. “Your fucking uncle. But I think we could be good together. I think you might like me. And if you want to call me Daddy in bed to get your taboo rocks off, I’ll let you. Family strokes isn’t usually my thing, but I’m always willing to try something at least once. There’s a huge market for stepbrother porn.” I giggled at his words as he brushed his lips along my neck.

  I turned to face him, and my mouth was barely a breath away from his. I could feel his hot breath. It smelled like whiskey. “I’m not looking for anything serious,” I said in a low voice.

  “I’m not a serious guy,” Jared murmured. His blue eyes found my lips, and he stared hungrily at them. My throat became suddenly dry and my breathing more labored. Jared leaned closer, his determination making me grow hot.

  This felt like a decision I couldn’t go back from. Once I kissed Jared, shit would be way more complicated. I leaned closer, closer, closer…

  “Vera,” Jess’s voice boomed. I jumped back, shaking my head in confusion. Jared cursed. “Someone on the phone for you,” she said as my eyes focused on her. She was smiling mischievously, her head tilted to the side. I took the phone from her outstretched palm and watched as she literally snarled and bared her teeth at Jared like a feral wolf.

  I gave Jared an apologetic look before holding the phone up to my ear. “Hello?”

  “Petal,” Hamilton rasped, his tone breathy and laced with anger. My heart thundered. “Did you let him kiss you?” I snapped my eyes to Jess who was full-on laughing now.

  “Who is on the phone?” Jared asked. I ignored him.

  “No,” I replied in a shaky voice. “I was about to, though.” My honesty felt like a lie. I wasn’t telling Hamilton because I wanted to come clean, I was telling him because I wanted to piss him off.

  Hamilton let out a long exhale. It was hard to hear him over the crowd. “Excuse yourself to the bathroom and call me, Petal. Now.” Hamilton hung up the phone, and I winced at the abrupt end of our call.

  I handed the phone back to Jess. I could have ignored his demands. Hamilton was miles away offshore, and I was here. Jared was here. But…

  “Who was that?” Jared asked.

  “A mutual friend,” I choked out. “Sorry, I’m going to the bathroom. Be right back.”

  I hopped off the stool and pushed through the crowd toward the bathroom, my purse clutched close to my side. What the hell was I doing? And why was there a spike of thrill shooting through every nerve ending in my body?

  I went into the individual bathroom and slammed the door shut, locking it the moment I was inside. Then, I leaned against the wooden door before pulling out my cell and FaceTiming Hamilton. He answered immediately.

  “Touch yourself,” he demanded the moment our call connected.

  “What?” I whispered with a blush, looking around the single bathroom like someone was going to pop out of the sink and call me out for Hamilton’s naughty request.

  “You let him touch what’s mine,” Hamilton croaked. He was shirtless and biting his lip. “So now you’re going to rub your needy little clit in a public bathroom while I watch. If you’re lucky, I’ll show you how hard you make my cock.”

  “Fuck,” I rasped. “I can’t.”

  “Yes, you can. You want to be kissed, Petal? You want to be touched? You call me. I don’t care what I’m doing. I don’t care where I am. I’ll take care of my girl. You don’t have to find relief somewhere else.”

  “I’m not your girl, Hamilton. When are we going to stop this?”

  He let out a sigh. “You still don’t get it. Stop telling me you aren’t mine before I hop on a plane and show you how much you are. Put your finger in your mouth. Get it good and wet for me, Petal. Suck it hard.” I couldn’t see what he was doing because the camera cut off at his bare abs, but I noticed the subtle rocking movement of his arm as if he was stroking himself.

  Fuck. What was I doing? There was no one here. This wasn’t hurting anyone, was it?

  I looked around again before reluctantly obeying him. My plump lips wrapped around my finger, and he smiled when my cheeks hollowed out as I sucked. I watched him with hungry eyes for a moment before pulling out with a pop.

  “When I get home, you’re going to wrap those lips around my cock, Vera,” he said with a grunt. “Now touch yourself. Let me see you fall apart. Let me see how much you’re mine. Your mind might not know it yet, but your pussy sure as fuck does.”

  I inhaled deeply before slipping my hand behind the elastic waistband of my skirt. I was already soaked from Hamilton’s words, my panties a damp mess as I sank into my heat and started swirling the pad of my finger around my sensitive nub. I twitched; my lips parted as I stared at Hamilton.

  “You’re so fucking gorgeous, Vera. Look how hard you make me.” He eased the camera downward, and I gasped at the sight of his thick, veiny cock. His fist barely closed around it. He stroked it leisurely, and I licked my lips, imagining what he tasted like as I pinched my clit and moaned. “That’s right, baby. I’m the one that can get you off from the other side of the country. I’m the one you can’t seem to stop thinking about. I’m the one that’s got you feeling selfish for the first time in your goddamn life. No one else is here, baby. It’s just you and me. Your pretty pussy and my words. Your furious little fingers working that clit because I commanded it. Not some fuckboy you think you should be with. Me. Me. Me. Me.”

  Fuck. I exhaled and an orgasm tore through me just as loud knocks pounded on the door. “Vera? You still in there?” Jared’s voice called out. Hamilton grinned wickedly before pumping himself harder. I watched him shamelessly while biting my lip and falling down from my high. His cum erupted in thick, creamy ropes, coating his palm as he tossed his head back, groaning my name. The name he’d given me. Petal. Petal. Petal.

  I didn’t care about the line forming outside, Jared’s furious knocks, or the heated blush coating my cheeks. I wanted Hamilton, and I was done denying myself of the things I wanted.

  14

  “We have our first test next week. You should already be on chapter four in the textbook,” Dr. B
havsar said while pulling down the projector screen. Her hair was up in a tight bun today, and the kitten heels strapped to her feet were a bright fire-engine red. Her class was quickly becoming my favorite out of all of them. I loved the way she viewed the world.

  I tucked my smooth hair behind my ear and adjusted my sweater over my shoulder. These auditoriums got cold. Pretty soon the Connecticut fall would be in full swing, and I couldn’t wait for the cooler weather.

  “Want to have a study session this weekend? I’ll order some takeout?” Jared offered. We had an awkward twenty-four hours after the bathroom incident, but he showed up the next morning with a box of donuts, undeterred. He had to have known what I did in there. When Hamilton and I were done, I opened the bathroom door with my shaking legs, flushed face, and racing heart. Jared was standing on the other side with his arms crossed over his chest. He hadn’t pressured me to explain what had happened, but I didn’t have to. At least he hadn’t pushed for another date. I knew with complete certainty that Jared and I were only meant to be friends. I couldn’t be seduced by his determined politeness or the playful press of his leg against mine as we watched Netflix on the floor of my living room. I couldn’t be swayed by his compliments, his gifts, his thoughtfulness, or his unwavering niceties. Jared was like Tylenol, dulling the slight ache to my pounding restlessness. Hamilton was opium—bad for me and addictive.

  Jared still flirted all the same, it was in his nature to do so. But he’d absolutely reined it in since our almost kiss at the bar. I was thankful that he had backed off, because while he was reestablishing himself as a friend, Hamilton was staking himself as…well, I wasn’t quite sure.

  Hamilton and I spoke daily. About nothing. About everything. He talked about his job on the rig, and I told him about my classes. I was oddly comfortable with him, but it constantly felt like the other shoe was about to drop. Every time I saw his name pop up on my phone, my stomach fluttered, and I didn’t even bother to play it cool. I answered every time, pushing the guilt down as far as it would go, all while telling myself that this would be the last time.

  I’d lie on my back, hidden in the shadows of three a.m. as he spoke in his signature deep voice to me.

  Wet.

  With a secret smile on my lips as he spoke dirty promises. Every night, I fell asleep with the rumble of need deep in my gut. I felt like a pretty thing on Hamilton’s shelf. He was waiting to take me down, polish me, and throw me the fuck away.

  Mom called me once to check on classes, but it was a surface-level conversation. Hamilton was slowly becoming a big part of my life, and it was hard to talk to someone who would disapprove of that. I knew it was wrong. I knew that a lot of people wouldn’t understand our relationship. This was bound to upset her new husband, but I was starting not to care.

  “Miss Garner, I’d like you to summarize your response for the writing exercise I asked each of you to complete.” I had been daydreaming and twirling my hair on my finger. Dr. Bhavsar’s voice made me startle.

  I cleared my throat. “Of course,” my squeaky voice chirped as I pulled out my printed paper. Dr. Bhavsar made it a habit to call on me. Despite the full auditorium, her lectures and attention made me feel like the only person in the room. Even though she was hard on me, I felt like she only did it to the students she liked, and it made me that much more prepared for class every day. “I decided to focus on a teaching from Lao Tzu, specifically his quote that states, ‘The usefulness of a pot comes from its emptiness.’”

  “Interesting,” Dr. Bhavsar said with a smirk. “I had a feeling most of the class would choose the popular philosopher’s quote, ‘This too shall pass.’ I’m thrilled you picked something original, Miss Garner.”

  I tried not to outwardly preen from her compliment, but the impulse was difficult. I didn’t want to admit it, but Mom just sort of expected good grades from me. She was proud, sure, but she never complimented me for working hard and giving up my adolescence in exchange for good grades and obedience. It felt nice to be recognized by this woman.

  I cleared my throat before continuing. “You have to empty your mind before you can let anything else in. Lao Tzu is talking about preconceived notions or opinions. How can we listen to another person’s point of view if our head is already full of bias? Usefulness could be another word for growth or humanity’s ability to effectively adapt and learn.”

  “And do you agree with this statement?” Dr. Bhavsar asked.

  “I do,” I replied simply.

  “I think you’re absolutely right. But we could take this a step further. Sometimes a full pot can hold us back from getting the things we truly want. It’s almost like the cliché of bringing baggage into a new relationship. Are you familiar with it?”

  “I am. We bring our experiences and worldview to every new relationship we form,” I answered as Jared shifted in his seat.

  Dr. Bhavsar continued. “I think there is a difference between carrying our experiences with us wherever we go and burdening ourselves with a full suitcase—or as Lao Tzu likes to say, a full pot. There’s no room for anything else. You could be missing out on new experiences because you’re too busy clinging to something else.”

  Someone in the row behind me interjected. “So, are we supposed to just constantly treat each day like a clean slate? Many philosophers challenge us to use every experience in our arsenal to make meaning of the world and learn. What’s the point of filling our pot, so to speak, if we’re just going to keep emptying it for something else?”

  Dr. Bhavsar smiled. “That’s a very good observation, Mr. Shine. What do you think, Miss Garner?”

  I swallowed while thinking of how to answer. “The pot isn’t a metaphor for our full experience as humans. I think it doesn’t have to be complicated. I think it’s a pot’s ability to empty itself of burdens that are no longer useful or beneficial that gives it meaning. Willingness to pour out the old makes all the difference. Perhaps a better metaphor would have been a fountain or a river? Ever changing but still of the same source.”

  “I’d like to fill you up,” a dumbass guy in the back row said under his breath. I rolled my eyes. Dr. Bhavsar continued.

  “Well done, Vera. I personally think you could learn a lot with this lesson. You’ve been holding back a bit. I want you to really dig deep into the nitty gritty of these assignments.” Dr. Bhavsar turned to face the auditorium, now speaking to everyone. “Most of you simply discuss the concept without applying it to your own human experience. Your next assignment, I’d like for you to reference yourself when exploring these concepts. Philosophy only has meaning when we apply it.”

  Class continued and I scribbled notes. Jared teased me for not having a laptop, but I liked handwriting my work. The information stuck better. The ninety-minute class flew by, and my fingers were cramping from the information overload by the end of it. “Wanna grab lunch?” Jared asked as we packed up.

  “Yeah. I skipped breakfast this morning because I overslept,” I groaned.

  “Were you up late having dirty conversations with your uncle again?” he asked teasingly, though there was a hard edge to his tone. I rolled my eyes and shoved my notebook into my bag. “What!” he exclaimed. “We’re friends. We can discuss it. Nothing to be ashamed of. Except for the fact that he’s technically your uncle. And like ten years older. And he’s gone half the year.”

  I chewed on my lip. “You sound bitter.”

  “Can you blame me? I’m just curious what he has that I don’t.”

  The urge to say he had me struck me, but I kept my mouth pinned shut. “I don’t know. I thought we were over this, Jared. If you’re going to keep pressuring me, then I’m—”

  “I’m sorry,” he interrupted. “Let’s go grab lunch, okay? I won’t bring it up again. But you can bet your ass, the second he messes up, I’m swooping in.”

  I let out a slow exhale while thinking back on Jess’s words.

  He’s kind of a whore.

  How long until the thrill of chasing
after me wore off? I knew it was only a matter of time before he found something else to obsess over. Hamilton didn’t seem like the person to stay long.

  “I want pizza today,” I said, changing the subject.

  “Good deal. Let’s go.”

  We made our way out of the building and started walking through the quad. It seemed everywhere we went, someone knew Jared. People were constantly waving, inviting him to parties, and offering him bro hugs. It was weird because he didn’t seem like a huge socialite. He spent all his time these last two weeks with me. If anything, I sort of wished that he would give me some breathing room, but I wasn’t willing to risk upsetting the only friend I had in this place.

  “Jared, my man! You coming to the party tonight?” someone asked.

  “I got a hot date, sorry,” he replied teasingly before wrapping his arm around my shoulders and guiding me in the direction of the dining hall.

  “You know you can go, right?” I said in a soft voice. “You don’t have to spend every night with me. Parties aren’t really my thing, but you can go, Jared.”

  “And miss out on dinner and a Netflix marathon with you? No thanks. Maybe parties aren’t really my thing either, hmm? Have you ever considered that?”

  “I’m just saying—”

  “Do you want me to go to the party, Vera?” Jared asked.

  I stopped walking to face him. “I’m just saying you don’t have to spend every night with me. You can go see your other friends.”

  “You’re my friend,” he countered.

  “We can still be friends and have lives outside of one another. I love spending time with you, but—”

  “But what? Do you not want me around? I don’t get it.”

  “Of course I enjoy spending time with you. I’m just saying it’s okay if you do other things too. I don’t want you to feel obligated—”